Scared of happiness/Happiness of being Scared

I'm scared
scared of things ending
scared of patterns breaking
scared of dreams broken
scared of words unspoken
scared of time going by
scared of a disappointed sigh
scared of a painful shove
scared of never finding love

But I'm also happy
happy about things ending
happy about patterns breaking
happy about dreams fulfilled
happy about silences killed
happy about times gone by
happy about nights ended on a high
happy about a friendly shove
happy about our one-time love

the darker sooner

Then came the darker sooner,

came the later lower.

We were no longer a sweeter-here

happily-ever-after. We were after ever.

We were farther and further.

More was the word we used for harder.

Lost was our standard-bearer.

Our gods were fallen faster,

and fallen larger.

The day was duller,
duller was disaster. 
Our charge was error.

Instead of leader we had louder,

instead of lover, never. 
And over this river

broke the winter’s black weather.

Not Finished

I worry sometimes...that I'm not good enough;

Time and time again, it's been proven; it's tough.

Tough to deal with, honesty and guilt;

Tough to respond, like taking a gun from it's hilt.

Looking in the mirror, holding it to your head;

Pull the trigger and you'll be dead...

The temptation is sweet, to pull the trigger,

But the action has no reward, it's only bitter.

Congratulations on becoming the person that I ever knew.

How did you become so high flying adored? Like really? When did this happen? I want to be happy for him that he is happy, but honestly, it hurts. So much. Everyone is fondling over him and he is taking it in this way that is turning him into a person I hate. He’s become this person that I can’t forgive. This person that used to be the fantasy of my dreams but now it’s like I wake up and say, “oh yeah you were in my dream last night, I think…I don’t remember what you did…I think you were just, you know, kinda, ‘there’.” He is so different. The boy that if I had to bet my life on someone that would always be a true example of the believers: he was the one, the only one. Now I’m proven the fool. That hurts to say. For his sake I would like to point out that he once told me that he’s not happy with the people that are putting him in these situations. Oh boo hoo. If he didn't like it then he would leave. Or is he just that reliant on his reputation that he can’t afford to become the better person. Who knows?

Why do I think like this? Why do I say something like that and then feel sorrow for betraying him? I know. It’s because I still love him. I love him enough that even though I want to push him completely out of my life to the point that I bluntly refuse to come see and support him (just as I have always done since the moment I met him) in a way that even if it was just to him that I wouldn't make an appearance to, I still show up-but then leave without him knowing I was there-but then come back to see how it ends-but leave again so he would just barely miss me and not tell a soul I was there. But then missing him so much that I park my car next to his so that maybe when he came out he would notice that I was there and maybe he would try and find me and maybe it would be like him showing he cared for once in his life and maybe I can bend this far back, but if I do, I’ll break. My heart feels like it broke long ago, but yet I don’t feel like I’m in pieces. More as if I've turned stone and can’t break because I've become so hard to the idea of ever losing you. But still I know I've lost you. I know that I am doing what’s best for me. I have to leave you. I have to move on and be someone that can live without the idea of being with this person that is just behind my dreams. It will hurt but I have to try. There is no other choice. So I guess this is goodbye.

I never got to taste your lips. I never will. 

Dark Heart

Temptation is hurting me, I just can't take the pain... 
 I love you so much....I'll take the blame. 
 I wash my tears away, listening to nothing you say. 
 Wishing to be with you throughout this terrible day.. 
 "Baby, don't do this..", That's all I hear. 
 "Grant me just one wish..", If only you were here.. 
 I've hurt you and lost you, I've got all regrets.. 
 I love you so much..But you had to, you left. 
 My broken heart, oh so depressed.. 
 My new scars show..only with my distress.. 
 My broken love..The only thing I give.... 
 Was just not enough..It's your life to live. 
 My black passion, oh so loveless.. 
 I must seem so heartless.. 
 I miss you so much, and love you so.. 
 I think I've got nothing left but to go.. 
 Open my eyes, blood all around.. 
 I can't see the light..I knew I wouldn't be found...

This song means a lot to me. It is what gave me the inspiration to name him Jamie. I feel like now is the time I can share it. Dear Jamie, I still love you, somehow. Maybe. I don't know. Please, just please understand what you've done to me. How I can still be left like this and how I still know that you don't understand. Maybe you never will. The song doesn't ever say goodbye but I feel like the artist wants to say it, but somehow can't. I wish that maybe someday I will be able to say goodbye to you. But I know for now, I can't. You've changed Jamie. If I could go back to the days that I didn't know you were lying to me, then I might. Then again, it would hurt. But can that be as bad as still being hurt now? Still hurting? I don't know....

You told me there will be change. I don't expect to see it. Sorry. I will never regret you, or say I wish I'd never met you, because once upon a time, you were exactly what I needed.