a lie about numbness

i have sunk into a slow numbness,
perhaps because something broke over me the second i saw you again.
i realized, it's better to be in full-blown sorrow
than in a fragile happiness,
forever staving off the blackness.

but instead, i have sunk into a slow numbness.
perhaps because you look away from me now
the exact same way that i look away from you.
your aversion gives me numbness

don't you see it?
that's all this ever was. 
a fear of the numbness. 
a fear of the pain.
your indifference gives me numbness
because who wants to feel it when the ripping apart begins.

i have cried to numbness.
i have raged to numbness.
i have laughed to numbness.
i have embraced the numbness.
i have dug myself into numbness
but you gave me the shovel.
you gave me the numbness.

and i feel absolutely fine. i feel nothing at all.