Not Finished

I worry sometimes...that I'm not good enough;

Time and time again, it's been proven; it's tough.

Tough to deal with, honesty and guilt;

Tough to respond, like taking a gun from it's hilt.

Looking in the mirror, holding it to your head;

Pull the trigger and you'll be dead...

The temptation is sweet, to pull the trigger,

But the action has no reward, it's only bitter.

Congratulations on becoming the person that I ever knew.

How did you become so high flying adored? Like really? When did this happen? I want to be happy for him that he is happy, but honestly, it hurts. So much. Everyone is fondling over him and he is taking it in this way that is turning him into a person I hate. He’s become this person that I can’t forgive. This person that used to be the fantasy of my dreams but now it’s like I wake up and say, “oh yeah you were in my dream last night, I think…I don’t remember what you did…I think you were just, you know, kinda, ‘there’.” He is so different. The boy that if I had to bet my life on someone that would always be a true example of the believers: he was the one, the only one. Now I’m proven the fool. That hurts to say. For his sake I would like to point out that he once told me that he’s not happy with the people that are putting him in these situations. Oh boo hoo. If he didn't like it then he would leave. Or is he just that reliant on his reputation that he can’t afford to become the better person. Who knows?

Why do I think like this? Why do I say something like that and then feel sorrow for betraying him? I know. It’s because I still love him. I love him enough that even though I want to push him completely out of my life to the point that I bluntly refuse to come see and support him (just as I have always done since the moment I met him) in a way that even if it was just to him that I wouldn't make an appearance to, I still show up-but then leave without him knowing I was there-but then come back to see how it ends-but leave again so he would just barely miss me and not tell a soul I was there. But then missing him so much that I park my car next to his so that maybe when he came out he would notice that I was there and maybe he would try and find me and maybe it would be like him showing he cared for once in his life and maybe I can bend this far back, but if I do, I’ll break. My heart feels like it broke long ago, but yet I don’t feel like I’m in pieces. More as if I've turned stone and can’t break because I've become so hard to the idea of ever losing you. But still I know I've lost you. I know that I am doing what’s best for me. I have to leave you. I have to move on and be someone that can live without the idea of being with this person that is just behind my dreams. It will hurt but I have to try. There is no other choice. So I guess this is goodbye.

I never got to taste your lips. I never will.