Is Such Sweet Sorrow

So today I decided to look out for me,

I was just thinking of how soon it was when me was we.

At first when I thought of you, I smirked at the song of this reprise...

But then I decided I must forget you, and tears came to my eyes.

I know that I still love you, and I was manipulative and wrong;
I just can't decide, though....are we just acting strong?
Does any of this hurt you at all?
Because I see you, and I remember every time that you'd call.
You made me smile, you made me happy.
I wished it'd last awhile, I thought that you really loved me...
I've been wrong before, but this subject is too suspenseful;
I've tried to open another door...but I can't forget what was beautiful.
For once I will look out for me by looking away from you....
And I know, my darling, my broken love was true.
I think of you as the nights slowly crawl by;
Sorrow in my soul, a tear jumps from my eye.
I feel empty when I'm not talking to you,
Another way I know my broken love was true.

I miss you so much, I can hardly breathe;
And, I know, where ever you are, you're not missing me.
I'm craving your voice, the secrets you'd sweetly say;
I've lost the method of choice, I pray these gray days will decay...
Your honesty, your touch...your lips never entwine with mine;
I loved you so much, but this won't be our time.

Until 02:00 AM

Feelings of loss, regret, and dread.

Don't know what to do, bang-bang you're dead.

Tell your friends you're okay, say you're just fine:) ;

Even when you're numb, pain is in the back of your mind.

The dizziness, feeling of being sick;
You listen to the ones that all call you pathetic.
Sometimes you shake and you don't know why,
It takes everything (you wish you had) not to say goodbye.
Feelings of depression... doubt, despair.
You wake up in cold sweats, but no tears in the air.
You're empty inside; yes, I know.
Your insomnia's returning-it's starting to show.
You can't stop thinking, wishing it was meant to be..
How do I know? 
                You're just like me.

The Unforgotten

I guess our minds are made up.
I know you see me, I know you're there;
You fought my battle I asked you,
One two three and say 'I don't care'.
You've done well, you ran my race,
But you didn't win this war,
My tears started to swell; you only came in second place.

This isn't what I want; it’s what I wanted,
Chances were given, sorry I failed.
I took the time to learn less about us and more about me:
We are now unforgotten, unexplained, and unveiled.
I left for the better, and I fell into a different trance;
My mind was filled with tomorrow,
But I'm beginning to hate romance...

"Please try to be patient
And know that I'm still learning.
I'm sorry that you have to see
The strength inside me burning.
And I'm letting myself down by satisfying you;
And I wish that you could see
That I have my troubles too."

You know what you're doing, you know I can't care;
But there's this one thing...you’re always still there.
Hate is a strong word, but love is stronger;
I can't stand you haunting me any longer.
Once upon a time the world was sweeter than we knew:
Everything was ours, how happy we were then,
But somehow "Once Upon A Time" never comes again.

A Letter to His Wife

A letter to His fiancée,

       I don’t know you yet, but by the time that this letter becomes relevant to you I hope I have the pleaser of really knowing the fiancée of the man I would die for, or more appropriately, spend the rest of my life with. Please be the girl that when you were younger could see how the sky was filled with more than just the color blue. Please be the girl that learned how to say goodbye and learned that it’s okay to say no and learned that soon enough the hero stands and fights and puts down the bottle or the past or whatever you were using for a life. Please be someone that can learn to love him more and more each morning you have the pleasure of waking up beside him. Be the girl that can’t find home anywhere else than right beside him. Learn to never cut what can be untied. Learn that your nightmares can be stopped by the love he sees in you. Learn that being in love is like poison, flowing through your veins, filling you from the very thought of his touch. And know that love is and should be a pleaser. Not another something you can fear. Learn that life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Know that he is gentle. He won’t ever pick apart the fragile pedals of a reborn flower inside your core. Pain is just a side effect of love and it only comes when you do nothing and except its welcome. Never let it slip your mind that he is smart, really very smart. If you have something difficult to tell him, odds are he’s already on to you. And it won’t be until he’s gone that you will see what a gift that really is. Life is made up of special moments which make it worth living. That’s how you know you love someone, I guess, when you can’t experience anything without wishing the other person were there to see it too. There are many cherished moments that are missed due to the stress and fast pace of daily living. We must slow down and remember how precious it is to be alive and to love. Lastly, when you fear that the light is fading and the moment’s exploding; out of 6,972,848,504 people, he choose you. 

                                             With great devotion, the girl that sees only blue.

~Other Letters to Great Men's Great Women~

A letter to the wife of the boy with carrot top hair and a sunny though occasionally vague disposition,

Congrats on getting this far. I hope he will treat you well. I know he never stopped trying for me, I can only imagine what it would be like to be loved by him. Please, though, never forget why you love him and never stop giving to him all that you can because he will always try to give you more. I know that. Don’t ever forget that he’s a lover not a fighter, but he will fight for what he loves even if you never see it. One last thing for me, please always do all you can to keep him spontaneous. With care, his loving Hermia.

A letter to his husband,

Never for one moment think that he doesn't love and care and treasure your very existence. I mean, I don’t know you, but I know him well enough that he always strives to protect those he loves. Sometimes he becomes a little too vulnerable to those he devotes himself to but that means he’s open to you protecting him. This man has ran through hell and back. Don’t ever allow him to mope back to those dark places he’s known. And in return you will receive more love, more care, more happiness than you could ever find with anyone else. I know it. With poise, his shoulder to cry on.

A letter to the wife of a soldier,

You are so lucky you know. You have fallen for his masterpiece of a man. I know he doesn't think that now himself, but really he is a one of a kind. You know that. This soldier needs somebody strong to fight by his side, and he has found you. My advice to you is to never blink at the brightness of the sunrise. Never neglect those privet conversations. Always encourage his dreams, whether he wants to be a hero, a Viking, or even a poet. I know that he can become anything he thinks is possible as long as he keeps facing the army front and never turns in fear of the bullets and blows that come his way. Break a leg, his one time Fiona.

blood in my mouth.

He told me to never fall in love with people like him.
He took me to parks, and plays, and gleaming mountain sides, and kissed me in every beautiful place, so that I could never go back to them without tasting him like blood in my mouth. Without hearing his heart dance as it connects to mine. He said he would destroy me in the most beautiful way possible. And when he left I finally understood why storms are named after people.

I told you not to worry...

I don't think it's all about love anymore,

Possibly betrayal, or something of the horror.

"I hate you I hate you-I love you I hate you-Don't do it I need you-Forget it I know you"

The pain is mostly gone, at least I can't feel it;

I'm partly numb...can we get this over with?

I used to say "come back," now I say, "please don't."

I don't want to get hurt anymore, if you're not here, I won't.

"Don't leave me I love you-Don't say that you love me-‘Cause what does it matter-You're going to leave me-So leave me, whatever-It’s not like I need you-I need you; don't leave me-You know I'm not selfish but me me me-I I I need you to stay-Okay?"

You think you're so innocent, we all disagree;

You are the victim? You've brought us only misery.

Please just turn around, before I change my mind;

I won't give up the happiness that took so long to find.

"Let's look at this calmly-Discuss how I hate you-The ways that you've hurt me-Though really you haven't-You're clearly about to-Don't touch me – I hate you-Just leave us, whatever-We’ll get on without you-I'm though and resourceful-I'm steady and sturdy"

Please just leave me alone, I memorized all that you said;

I'm pathetic, you're right; but no more tears will be shed.

"You're the reason I think this life might not be meaningless-You're my North Star-My map to grace-You're my single best decision in a life of many awful ones-My one big yes-My one embrace-With you I never feel I'm out of place"

I won't lie anymore just to cover up the truth;

I won't be who I used to be, whether or not, you approve.

"I totally blame you-And really, how could you?-I hate you I hate you-I hate that I hate you-I hate that I love you-I love you I----

Loved you"

This is my life, you are not apart of it any longer.

I am finally saying "goodbye,' and I just got a bit stronger.

Inspiration for the Inspired

Inspiration for the Inspired

The Glow of a Dark Mountain Side

Miracle Boy

It was a night of glamour. A special night that held so much potential for everyone that came. It was painfully hard not to cry. When the time came to leave we walked outside and I finally felt like I could breath. Then with the lights of the city outside our forthcoming car we begin a journey between you and I alone. Desperate for somewhere to find comfort I retreated to a few simple words on a screen between me and a secret. That secret's life was not long lived. I had hurt you. Once the new learned knowledge sunk in, we drove. We drove in silence. We drove in darkness. I drove in fear. …where are we-where are we going-will he hurt me-what’s going to happen-what’s he going to do-will I be okay-will he be okay… To the mountains we went. What it would seem like in daylight would be much cheaper than what was endured in the dark. There is no way any human could prepare their mind for the endless possibilities that a capable man could do to a frail girl up there. We drove to the top. The lines across the cliff we rode could only be done by a frequent traveler. Then all at once, we stopped. With a blink you got up, got out, and got away from the car leaving me alone in the dark. In the silence. There were trillions of choices I had to make a great escape. But the only thought I followed was if you were safe. Barefoot in the dust I walked to where I could follow the sound of a broken character. I found a man on the edge of the rock past the verge of tears. I had never seen a stately man cry. 

“I lie a lot.   I lie to everybody.” 

The tone a voice makes when it’s only choice is to utter truth, even though it’s broken, has the power to break the strongest walls. You spoke the lines straight. Perfectly.

“I could stop now-if I wanted to. I don’t know why I’m doing this-I could stop…”
             “There’s no need to try on your own!” 

Broken-Hit-Complicated-Pushed enough to tilt a delicate scale to a signal side-Regret. But never a loss of courage. 

“No one knows I’m here. That guy driving on that road doesn't even know I’m up here. He’s got his own problems. I bet he’s thinking about them right now. I don’t know what they are. But he’s got them.” 

Balancing on the edge of a cliff was a boy with his face to the city lights. Sitting on the rock in a scarlet dress was a girl facing the darkness of a mountain side, yet she was face to face to the brightest glow within miles. In front of her was a boy giving so much he had forgotten how to take. When you spoke again you told of a home you’re anticipating. Lucky you have that. 

“You speak of home as if you know what that is you’re looking for, something familiar. You’re blessed to have that much.” 

“I honestly don’t know if people will understand how much I really care for them.” 

The presence of a smile doesn't take away the pain of a tear. When you cry you’re only letting go a heart ache from deep inside. No one wants to see another leave them. No one wants to be the reason why. Regret is our constant devil. Chasing us through our minds with no escape from sight. There are people we see every day and we will never have the chance to climb into their minds and find their devils for them. We only get the opportunity to find the miracles they offer us to see from their eye’s imagination. He gave me that. He gave me his sight. I saw the miracles he sees even if he himself will never accept them for the miracles they are. I will always owe that to him, to my miracle boy. 

“You can always count on me to love you.”
“And you will always see me right there beside you.”  

Inspiration for the Inspired

A Trophy Father's Trophy Daughter

Four years old, daddy’s little girl;
Trained to think there’s nobody else in the world.
Contrary to popular belief, trained is the correct word.

One day she turns seven and her father is sick, soon to be leaving her behind.
He packed his bags and got in his truck; not admitting the sickness was in his mind.

It’s a terrible story, none the less, and it’s far from over;
Now she’s eight and following him, along with her mother.
He is drinking alcohol, breaking his once important promises;
Not being reasonable, putting the bottle down, and certainly not being a role model.
Over and over again she heard him repeat these words:
"You’re the only one that matters, I’ll always be there for my daughter,"

She’s eleven now, they've moved again, she trusts no one.
She’s broken inside, nobody will listen, she’s just giving up.
Taken out of school, bullied so badly, starting to go numb;
Doesn't understand why she feels this way, why isn't she good enough?

Thirteen now, another new house, new school, new everything;
"Take a deep breath, it’s okay, you’ll live another day,"
So many ‘friends’, so many times she’s been betrayed;
No matter where she goes, she just ends up hated.
She pretends she’s okay, not that it matters;
Nobody asks, and attention isn't something she gathers.
The razor blade whispers her name at the beginning of seventh grade;
She doesn't tell anybody about her addiction, feeling she’s a disgrace.
Sometimes she wishes she had the courage to end her life.

Seventeen years old, now. I've lived through Hell and more.
I must admit it’s a miracle that I’m still here.
Just in three years I've had my heart broken in more ways than one;
Girlfriends, boyfriends, mother, father, best friends, and family..
The people that promised to never leave, they all ran out the door.
My father, my supposed Superman, my hero;
He’s never supported me like he promised.
When he found out I started cutting he said I should just kill myself;
"That’s what you’re trying for anyway, right?!"
Just last June my mother finally asked for a divorce,
He yelled, “You screwed over my family!”
"What family?" was my reply, then I hit the floor.

There’s no way possible I could tell of my constant battles with myself and father.
The constant I hate yous that have been screamed into my ears by my one and only, 

LOVING father since I was fifteen.

You want to know the story?

It’s writing like this that makes my boyfriend worry..

Since I was young I have not been good enough, not even for myself;

And just in the last couple of months I've decided that that needs to change.

My father has left me behind quite a few times, (Left Behind.)

But this time he’s not welcome back.

He’s tried a few times to get me back, to win me over;

That almost makes me a trophy, right? (Trophy Daughter.)

My father is a (Trophy Father) in the most sarcastic of ways.

I don’t think anything more needs to be said.

Inspiration for the Inspired

Kat's Poem

                                                                                    "I hate the way you talk to me

And the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare

I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind
I hate you so much that it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry

I hate the way you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all"

Yльтиматум

So a... hey. It's me. I've been thinking, of course, about what we said last night and there were many many out looks changed and decisions charged and now I'm left reconsidering everything I've ever concluded to be my new policy. Now I also know there are many people outside this personal event between us routing for each side of whether or not we will ever choose to be the same again. Some of those people might hate me now for even have saying this to you now, but, last night there was a moment between us were you scarred me beyond anything I've ever been scared of before. You became the dominate person and said that if I didn't put in any effort into becoming "normal" again, then you were going to give up too. At that moment I had no choice but to decide what I wanted. Right there, make my life long decision and go with it. That was hard, almost so hard that some how I still haven't decided. I can't do this. There is just too much conflict between myself that one huge part of me saying, "no stop this you want to have him in your life, don't throw every beautiful moment you've had with him away without a breath!" But there is the other part of me saying that this is enough. You can't do this to yourself anymore. Stop holding on to something that only hurts you. The battle is never ending. And the only thing that could manage to make a clear decision is him proving that holding on won't hurt anymore as much as it has. I need you. I can't live with myself tearing at my heart and mind. Remember when we talked about "fighting for something"? I just need to see it, I need to know that I can be valuable to someone that is willing to show it in a way that is uncomfortable or foreign to them. Oh, and on your front porch there is a jar. This jar was the jar you gave me on homecoming with the most beautiful flowers I had ever seen. In it there are the petals of the flowers, yellow, our favorite color, and purple, the color of my dress. Tied around it are the green and orange ribbon that came on the flowers that you gave to me to ask me to homecoming. You might notice that ring we got at the highland fling tied up with it. No ring has ever meant as much to me as this one. I really did wear it everyday since we got it, that is up until the day we "broke up". I had sworn to never wear it again after that day, although I did pull it out again for homecoming. Other than that, it has remained in a most special place. And know, although away from me, it will still be in a special place. It may just say my name on it, but to me, it has never said anything but my name and yours. Who knows if I'll ever see you again, but now I know all that I can say, has been heard. This is the part were I say good bye, I love you, but there is a part of me saying, thank you, and good bye. You may pick which ever you may want to hear.

Inspiration for the Inspired

Beauty of a Broken Heart

Having that feeling, isn't it interesting?

You find yourself in crying storms, like it's raining;

Not being allowed to tell the truth about what happened?

Been there, done that, I can't believe it's lasted...

Lying about pain so people don't worry?

Paste a fake smile on your face, feeling sorry?

The ways of love are amazing, yet painful;

You're told words that are manipulative, yet beautiful...

Then it tears you down and you feel so alone;

Sometimes you feel like dying? You're not the only one.

But then it wears down...

Fears start to hit the ground;

Want to give 'love' another shot?

Is your heart mended?...No, it's not.

But believing in love is just a start,

That is the beauty of a broken heart.

april sekstende notat til jamie

The intentions are real

But the truth is untold

Patiently awaiting the lies to unfold

Her heart shatters with the thought of his touch

How could she let him control her this much?

She holds on to a memory of how it used to be

Tempted by hatred, will she always grieve

For that man, just a child inside

He'll always have a pull on her soul

...And a place to reside...

She says that it is over

That is really it this time

Her life is torn apart and

Her heart is in a bind

Patiently waiting for those feelings to fade away

It makes it harder when he crosses her mind everyday

His sarcasm breaks the silence

Her heart follows it to the floor

Her body feels overwhelmed

When he walks through the door

She shouldn't still feel this way

She shouldn't still care

After all those times she needed him

Why wasn't he ever there...

But she is the one who called it off,

So she better stay strong,

The relationship made of glass

As fragile as a porcelain doll,

Was it really meant to last?!

I can't

I just don't want you here anymore
and it is my fault you are back.
You left like I was nothing.
And it is my fault you are back.
I can't. I can't. I can't anymore.
You think it's funny when I say I can't.
But what I mean is, I can't.
I can take you, physically.
Physically, I am numb to you now.
My heart still aches. 
My brain still aches. You make me ache in every way.
Please don't go.
Please don't go away.
Please don't go away again.
I want you gone.
I want you erased.
I want you.
I want you gone.

a lie about numbness

i have sunk into a slow numbness,
perhaps because something broke over me the second i saw you again.
i realized, it's better to be in full-blown sorrow
than in a fragile happiness,
forever staving off the blackness.

but instead, i have sunk into a slow numbness.
perhaps because you look away from me now
the exact same way that i look away from you.
your aversion gives me numbness

don't you see it?
that's all this ever was. 
a fear of the numbness. 
a fear of the pain.
your indifference gives me numbness
because who wants to feel it when the ripping apart begins.

i have cried to numbness.
i have raged to numbness.
i have laughed to numbness.
i have embraced the numbness.
i have dug myself into numbness
but you gave me the shovel.
you gave me the numbness.

and i feel absolutely fine. i feel nothing at all.

Scared of happiness/Happiness of being Scared

I'm scared
scared of things ending
scared of patterns breaking
scared of dreams broken
scared of words unspoken
scared of time going by
scared of a disappointed sigh
scared of a painful shove
scared of never finding love

But I'm also happy
happy about things ending
happy about patterns breaking
happy about dreams fulfilled
happy about silences killed
happy about times gone by
happy about nights ended on a high
happy about a friendly shove
happy about our one-time love

the darker sooner

Then came the darker sooner,

came the later lower.

We were no longer a sweeter-here

happily-ever-after. We were after ever.

We were farther and further.

More was the word we used for harder.

Lost was our standard-bearer.

Our gods were fallen faster,

and fallen larger.

The day was duller,
duller was disaster. 
Our charge was error.

Instead of leader we had louder,

instead of lover, never. 
And over this river

broke the winter’s black weather.

Not Finished

I worry sometimes...that I'm not good enough;

Time and time again, it's been proven; it's tough.

Tough to deal with, honesty and guilt;

Tough to respond, like taking a gun from it's hilt.

Looking in the mirror, holding it to your head;

Pull the trigger and you'll be dead...

The temptation is sweet, to pull the trigger,

But the action has no reward, it's only bitter.

Congratulations on becoming the person that I ever knew.

How did you become so high flying adored? Like really? When did this happen? I want to be happy for him that he is happy, but honestly, it hurts. So much. Everyone is fondling over him and he is taking it in this way that is turning him into a person I hate. He’s become this person that I can’t forgive. This person that used to be the fantasy of my dreams but now it’s like I wake up and say, “oh yeah you were in my dream last night, I think…I don’t remember what you did…I think you were just, you know, kinda, ‘there’.” He is so different. The boy that if I had to bet my life on someone that would always be a true example of the believers: he was the one, the only one. Now I’m proven the fool. That hurts to say. For his sake I would like to point out that he once told me that he’s not happy with the people that are putting him in these situations. Oh boo hoo. If he didn't like it then he would leave. Or is he just that reliant on his reputation that he can’t afford to become the better person. Who knows?

Why do I think like this? Why do I say something like that and then feel sorrow for betraying him? I know. It’s because I still love him. I love him enough that even though I want to push him completely out of my life to the point that I bluntly refuse to come see and support him (just as I have always done since the moment I met him) in a way that even if it was just to him that I wouldn't make an appearance to, I still show up-but then leave without him knowing I was there-but then come back to see how it ends-but leave again so he would just barely miss me and not tell a soul I was there. But then missing him so much that I park my car next to his so that maybe when he came out he would notice that I was there and maybe he would try and find me and maybe it would be like him showing he cared for once in his life and maybe I can bend this far back, but if I do, I’ll break. My heart feels like it broke long ago, but yet I don’t feel like I’m in pieces. More as if I've turned stone and can’t break because I've become so hard to the idea of ever losing you. But still I know I've lost you. I know that I am doing what’s best for me. I have to leave you. I have to move on and be someone that can live without the idea of being with this person that is just behind my dreams. It will hurt but I have to try. There is no other choice. So I guess this is goodbye.

I never got to taste your lips. I never will. 

Dark Heart

Temptation is hurting me, I just can't take the pain... 
 I love you so much....I'll take the blame. 
 I wash my tears away, listening to nothing you say. 
 Wishing to be with you throughout this terrible day.. 
 "Baby, don't do this..", That's all I hear. 
 "Grant me just one wish..", If only you were here.. 
 I've hurt you and lost you, I've got all regrets.. 
 I love you so much..But you had to, you left. 
 My broken heart, oh so depressed.. 
 My new scars show..only with my distress.. 
 My broken love..The only thing I give.... 
 Was just not enough..It's your life to live. 
 My black passion, oh so loveless.. 
 I must seem so heartless.. 
 I miss you so much, and love you so.. 
 I think I've got nothing left but to go.. 
 Open my eyes, blood all around.. 
 I can't see the light..I knew I wouldn't be found...

This song means a lot to me. It is what gave me the inspiration to name him Jamie. I feel like now is the time I can share it. Dear Jamie, I still love you, somehow. Maybe. I don't know. Please, just please understand what you've done to me. How I can still be left like this and how I still know that you don't understand. Maybe you never will. The song doesn't ever say goodbye but I feel like the artist wants to say it, but somehow can't. I wish that maybe someday I will be able to say goodbye to you. But I know for now, I can't. You've changed Jamie. If I could go back to the days that I didn't know you were lying to me, then I might. Then again, it would hurt. But can that be as bad as still being hurt now? Still hurting? I don't know....

You told me there will be change. I don't expect to see it. Sorry. I will never regret you, or say I wish I'd never met you, because once upon a time, you were exactly what I needed.