Yльтиматум

So a... hey. It's me. I've been thinking, of course, about what we said last night and there were many many out looks changed and decisions charged and now I'm left reconsidering everything I've ever concluded to be my new policy. Now I also know there are many people outside this personal event between us routing for each side of whether or not we will ever choose to be the same again. Some of those people might hate me now for even have saying this to you now, but, last night there was a moment between us were you scarred me beyond anything I've ever been scared of before. You became the dominate person and said that if I didn't put in any effort into becoming "normal" again, then you were going to give up too. At that moment I had no choice but to decide what I wanted. Right there, make my life long decision and go with it. That was hard, almost so hard that some how I still haven't decided. I can't do this. There is just too much conflict between myself that one huge part of me saying, "no stop this you want to have him in your life, don't throw every beautiful moment you've had with him away without a breath!" But there is the other part of me saying that this is enough. You can't do this to yourself anymore. Stop holding on to something that only hurts you. The battle is never ending. And the only thing that could manage to make a clear decision is him proving that holding on won't hurt anymore as much as it has. I need you. I can't live with myself tearing at my heart and mind. Remember when we talked about "fighting for something"? I just need to see it, I need to know that I can be valuable to someone that is willing to show it in a way that is uncomfortable or foreign to them. Oh, and on your front porch there is a jar. This jar was the jar you gave me on homecoming with the most beautiful flowers I had ever seen. In it there are the petals of the flowers, yellow, our favorite color, and purple, the color of my dress. Tied around it are the green and orange ribbon that came on the flowers that you gave to me to ask me to homecoming. You might notice that ring we got at the highland fling tied up with it. No ring has ever meant as much to me as this one. I really did wear it everyday since we got it, that is up until the day we "broke up". I had sworn to never wear it again after that day, although I did pull it out again for homecoming. Other than that, it has remained in a most special place. And know, although away from me, it will still be in a special place. It may just say my name on it, but to me, it has never said anything but my name and yours. Who knows if I'll ever see you again, but now I know all that I can say, has been heard. This is the part were I say good bye, I love you, but there is a part of me saying, thank you, and good bye. You may pick which ever you may want to hear.