Dark Heart

Temptation is hurting me, I just can't take the pain... 
 I love you so much....I'll take the blame. 
 I wash my tears away, listening to nothing you say. 
 Wishing to be with you throughout this terrible day.. 
 "Baby, don't do this..", That's all I hear. 
 "Grant me just one wish..", If only you were here.. 
 I've hurt you and lost you, I've got all regrets.. 
 I love you so much..But you had to, you left. 
 My broken heart, oh so depressed.. 
 My new scars show..only with my distress.. 
 My broken love..The only thing I give.... 
 Was just not enough..It's your life to live. 
 My black passion, oh so loveless.. 
 I must seem so heartless.. 
 I miss you so much, and love you so.. 
 I think I've got nothing left but to go.. 
 Open my eyes, blood all around.. 
 I can't see the light..I knew I wouldn't be found...

This song means a lot to me. It is what gave me the inspiration to name him Jamie. I feel like now is the time I can share it. Dear Jamie, I still love you, somehow. Maybe. I don't know. Please, just please understand what you've done to me. How I can still be left like this and how I still know that you don't understand. Maybe you never will. The song doesn't ever say goodbye but I feel like the artist wants to say it, but somehow can't. I wish that maybe someday I will be able to say goodbye to you. But I know for now, I can't. You've changed Jamie. If I could go back to the days that I didn't know you were lying to me, then I might. Then again, it would hurt. But can that be as bad as still being hurt now? Still hurting? I don't know....

You told me there will be change. I don't expect to see it. Sorry. I will never regret you, or say I wish I'd never met you, because once upon a time, you were exactly what I needed.

"Signal Awareness Day"

Valentine's day is sacred in my life. Boo on those people that call it "Signal Awareness Day". Yes I'm talking to you, Andy. I think it's beautiful to dedicate a day to expressing love to those that strengthen you. Christ taught to love thy neighbor and to show that love to them at all times. Sure Valentine's day is generally centered around couples, but so is Santa to CHRISTmas. I think Valentine's day is grand; even though I don't have a Valentine this year. Truth is, even though I get around a lot in my life, I have only ever had one Valentine. kinda sad really. But that's ok, because you know, "relationships". Whatever. Last night I showed this blog to Andy. She is the only one that knows about it. Super. So shout out to Andy. It's been a really long time since Jamie and I have talked. I hope he's ok. Even though if he is ok, that means he's ok without me being there with him. Truth is, Andy told me that life to Jamie has been going great. But really when you look at how he's been acting and what he's been doing, he's really turned into quite the little fool. "Ten points to Jamie." I want to tell myself that he's going to turn around, and go back to the man I love and the boy that said he loved me that one December along time ago. But pages in storybooks turn and chapters end, and hope fades away like the light in your lover's eyes when they turn from you. Now all I have to say is that I can't forget the time you told me, "I miss you." And all I could say back is, "then fix that."

Hey, it's me again. Just calling to say hi.

I wanted to call you, just because I knew that you could make me feel better when I asked for it, without question. You are the only person on this earth that could make me smile when I don't feel like smiling. You are stunning at that. It really keeps me sane when everyday I'm surrounded by idiots that make me want to lose all my respect for human rights. I know that if I called you and you were willing to give up your precious time to talk to me, that would make everything worth the struggle. But then I remember, we don't talk anymore.

Catch Me I'm Falling

Do you understand? What it is like to never be recognized? Especially by the one you know you love. Can you imagine what it is like to live day after day knowing that the person you love is choosing to treat you like you don't matter when to you there is not a single thing on the earth that you wouldn't do for them? All you could ever want in that moment is to be able to disappear or fly away or just fall off into the black darkness of no feeling. We could do that, but feeling pain is better than living with no feeling at all, right? But just because we aren't choosing to land in the deep dark nothing, that doesn't mean we're not falling into that place and in desperate need of rescue. What do you do when the one you love is choosing to leave you behind and you have no choice but to watch them run away? You are powerless and have no authority as to what they do when even at one point in your lives you trusted one another with life and death. You watch them leave and you know that they are going to make big mistakes. Thinking that alone would hurt you. But even worse still is that you know that they are going to make those unforgivable mistakes and they are still going to be happy, without you. But it's fine, right? Because they don't care anymore. They are fine. They left and walked out willingly and they tell themselves that they made the right choice. It doesn't affect them. I only kills and destroys you. So why should they care? You were only the one who could understand them better than they could understand themselves. You were only the one who cared for them even when you knew they were wrong. You could only give everything you had to them and never regret giving it up, just to make them happy. You would only have walked the world to get them a blade of grass that they wanted. Why should they care? Why should they even believe you when you say that you need them to catch you from falling into this darkness that you could never find your way out of? Why should they catch you when you have nothing for them anymore and never will? 

Inspiration of the Inspired

The Perfect Loving Family

Because every family has its dysfunction. No matter how perfect the academic daughter seems, no matter how beautiful the beloved son. There are demons that run deep. And love that no one understands. And relationships that teeter on the edges of reason (or cross into the realm of madness) that are still the most important of our lives.

Are you listening?

So we talked again, you and I. But I couldn't help but think that all you wanted was to say good night, good bye; and be done. As if calling me up was a job on a to-do list. I missed you though. As I usually do. But I could't get the thought out of my mind that you did for me too. That was a pleasant thought. Although when I would start to tell you a very exciting thing that happened to me today, you wanted to just get up and go away, as if you could. So just one question: Are you listening? You did, however, ask me in the middle of our conversation how I was doing. A simple question. Nothing more. It was something in the way you said it. I believed it. I wanted it to be real. The kind of real that you haven't been showing me. It was real. You asked that one question and it set me free. You haven't done that in such a long time. So I just answered, I'm dong fine. But you would have been able to see the real feeling if you maybe were to be listening.

Natural Bright Glow

Today I was happier than I should have been. Mainly because the projects I've made have been very well excepted by my boss who is very difficult to please. Yay! I can't wait for Jamie to see them. Yet I haven't yet decided if I want Jamie to come and see the final project or not. Jamie has never seen any of my projects in person before. But that's ok right? It only kills me every day. But anyways, I was happy today. Even Janet pointed it out to me in the hall. I told her that I shouldn't be this happy because of what today signifies. Last night Jamie and I talked on the phone for the first time in a few days (which is a great thing even though it implies that we spent some time not talking) and he told me that today he has to undergo something real hard and personal to him. I felt the heart ache that he should have conveyed himself when he told me the news. Why won't that boy ever show any true emotion? Merf. Well I basically went the day thinking about him and wishing I could be with him (yes I feel that way all the time, but for extra reasoning this time). I still don't know what is going on between us, but I know I won't let him travel this path alone. Not ever. I should go think about whether or not I'm going to text him to see how he's doing. Maybe I can put some of his natural bright glow into him (the same glow that he always has the ability to put into me) before he walks his path tomorrow. Until then, send your prayers.

Dear John

One day I hope you read this Jamie. Let me tell you now that at whatever time you do end up reading this, this was all meant for you. Everything. Just for me to be able to tell you what my mind doesn't have the courage to say, but my heart is crying out just for you to hear. For you to hear the reason why. For whatever may happen to us from this point on, I don't know. But one day you will see. And you won't be blinded anymore. I love you Jamie. Or I loved you? Or maybe I will come to love you again. But please just know, that you are my reason why.
OK?